Silly Jokes

Cat Heaven

Things I've Learned From My Cat

Things Dogs Must Try to Remember

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor…." The Lord stops the cat and says, " Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running…" The Lord replies, "Say no more!" In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the heavenly landscape.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those meals on wheels you've been sending are the Best!!!"

Make the world your playground. Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps. If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do. When your hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up. Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often. When in trouble, just purr and look cute. Life is hard, and then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. Variety is the spice of life. On day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy. Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there. Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner. Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them. "I care."

I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats food, before or after they eat it. I will top tyring to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on tv. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad's lap. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bit the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's drivers license and car registration.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below you spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records from date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly wile doctor stitches finders and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Stop at vet clinic to pick up more pills. Go home and try again. Here kitty, kitty!!!!