House
Rules
Dear Dogs and
Cats:
The
dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The stairwell
was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy
anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For
the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw,
whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have
been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
As to this kissing
thing, the proper order is to kiss me, then go smell
the other dog or cat's butt. I can not stress this
enough.
To pacify you,
my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
Rules for
non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about
our pets:
1.) They live
here...You don't.
2.)
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture).
3.) I like my
pets a lot better than most people.
4.) To you, it's
an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't
speak clearly.
5.) Dogs and
cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion
dollars for college.
6.) If they do
get pregnant, you can sell the children.
Sincerely,
Your Master
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