Dog Letters to God

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gate, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1.) I should not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2.) I should not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3.) I should not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

4.) The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5.) The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6.) The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7.) My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8.) I should not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9.) I should not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10.) Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying "hello".

11.) I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12.) I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

13.) I should not throw up in the car.

14.) I should not come in from the outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

15.) I should not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

16.) The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God: When I get to go to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?